Well, I'm sorry that my blog hasn't been as frequently updated as you all or I would've liked, but I've really been a busy little bee.
Week 7, if I remember correctly, we finished Dialogue in Posture Clinic. We had a couple late nights with Bikram, and I was still recovering from my big physical break down of the previous week. I settled into all of the revelations that I had accumulated to that point, and finally started to smile a little and be social again. My psyche took quite a hit during week 5 and 6, and it really put some distance between me and the other trainees. As much as I hated the feeling of isolation, I realize now that it was more an issue of the trainees not really being sure about how to respond to me. If you don't already know, I am one hell of a strong personality, and even when I was being introverted, I was apparently giving off some HUGE energy that shook people up. It takes a very strong individual to survive me, whether it be friend, family, or lover. So I've unintentionally become the outcast of the group, along with one or two others. I've always had a hard time with cliques anyway, and I remember thinking at the time that this was all just one big simulated high school rerun for me. Except I wasn't ripping egos out of people's asses right and left. . . Yoga has calmed this beast! "Can you believe it?!" So I just sat in my sunny corner of the room and played fly on the wall, silently smiling to myself while watching the social hierarchy run its course.
Week 8 was a strong week for me, though I use the word "strong" relatively and loosely! The yoga is like my life force, my energy source, keeping my mind from going off course... Sorry, had to bust that out for a second! ;-) But its really become the easiest part of this whole game we are playing.
My practice was stronger, or at least I didn't take any breaks. I got the mirror on Friday and nearly cried at the sight, however. Every posture was way off alignment, and overall I looked extremely thin and pale - like holocaust levels of sad. I worked hard that day though, getting everything straightened out with my body and my mind. That mirror is a formidable force!
We had a couple extra Posture Clinics to give us a non-compulsory opportunity to link 3 or more postures together. I know you'll be disappointed, but my mind was just fried, couldn't take in any more information, and I demonstrated in support of the other trainees, but didn't recite any myself. I tried to be warm and friendly to my fellow trainees, because that's what I wanted to be all along before all that buried baggage of mine came exploding to the surface. I don't regret what I went through though, because I've really found myself again. And it had no association with anyone else's opinion or approval. Everybody needs to do that, and for me, it was like being re-baptized! Though my body may be physically tattered and DONE with this place, my mind and my spirit feel "so fresh and so clean-clean!" - I understand this paragraph may have seemed to contain alot of contradictions... Just trust the process!
This weekend we had a Group dinner at an Italian joint close to Manhattan Beach. It was... interesting!... The food was great, couldn't have been better if they had laced it with gold flecks and Ecstasy - or it could've just been the fact that I haven't had Italian since week 2. Whatever. It was PHENOMENAL! Company was generally good. I sensed a little awkwardness coming from a few who had developed some pretty convicting (though asinine) perceptions of me what I assume to have been formed during my big self-realization phase, and had to keep my cool a couple of times while those opinions were nothing short of catapulted down my throat. Also, it was difficult not to LAUGH! But hey, everyone should have the right and the opportunity to speak their peace and choose to "drink the kool-aid" or not. I respect that. And in one week's time, this will all be over. Bittersweet really.
So tomorrow kicks off the 9th and final week of Bikram Yoga Teacher Training. Tonight I played with some make-up and hair ideas for graduation coming up on Saturday, and have my dress (borrowed from my sweet, sweet cousin Liz). I'm enjoying an overall sense of calm heading into the final stretch, I actually believe that I'm at least figuratively speaking, BULLET PROOF. Let's get this done people!
OH - and how could I forget! My first teaching is scheduled for November 28th, at 6:15p back at my home studio in OKC! Who knows how it will go but at least I will be HOME and in my comfort zone again, surrounded by MY people... MY students... Wow, I haven't thought of them like that before... My heart feels warmed... :'-)
Goodnight! And stay tuned! <3
Geneva - I love this post. I totally relate to the humor of having people treat you as if the sliver of behavior they've seen here is actually who you are in whole or even in part. We are here to survive and observe what we learn along the way. And holy cow is it going to feel good to integrate what we're learning here into our real lives. Where people will see us as our real selves+. It's been great seeing the bits of the real you I've been fortunate to see these last few days. <3 I will look you up (in a yoga studio or as the sax chic in the red dress) if ever I get the chance to visit Norman. :)
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