I didn't want to do another video blog. And Im ok with that, and you'll have to be. :-)
Sorry, I just need to writethisalloutinsteadofawkwardlybalancingmycellphoneonmyflipflop proppedonmypillowsoIcanrecordmyselftalkingtonobodyandhave2freehandstgesturemyfeelings - in an attempt to make talking to nobody less awkward. . . Yeeeaahhh.... Say that 5 times fast. That, and Im apparently going through puberty again, so lets not talk about my twin sister who is growing on my face.
So, its the end of Week 6. And Im still alive, but this time, I feel Im alive in new and different ways. Let's talk about it. As if you have a choice. HA!
Week 5 was the mother load of all emotional breakdowns, and I'm pretty sure having shards of glass individually and SLOWLY inserted into my eyes would've been more pleasant than that. All of the sweating and exercising and not eating and not sleeping somehow managed to peel away some of my compensatory protective layers and wave upon wave of buried suppressed emotion came exploding out of me like last night's bad Mexican food. Who knew I had any of that?! (insert sarcasm here). Its literally been more than 10 years since I have had wild unbridled emotional outbursts like that. I realized that I've been listening to every toxic person in my whole life that has told me that feeling anything is crazy, insane, unstable, unattractive, and irrational. But everything I experienced in week 5 felt like... growing pains... It was the most agonizingly natural thing Ive ever done to just purge it, let it out. I dealt with everything from childhood, familial traumas, past relationships, self-identity, my grandfather's death, social malfunctions, and many other.... touchy feely... things.... Im currently at this really awkward raw stage where even though I havent really made myself vulnerable to anyone or talked much to anyone (with the exception of tonight, we'll get to that later), I feel SO vulnerable for the first time, to myself. I'm seeing myself. . . No, facing myself, head on. The verdict is still out on the final product of that, so I will get back to you on it.
Week 6, this past week, I really hit my physical limit. Despite my efforts to keep up the caloric intake, water intake, electrolyte balance, sugar homeostasis, etc - my body had enough. One of the staff members literally had to sling me over her shoulder and help me up to my room. I spent about 24 hours in bed nursing myself back to health, thinking in the back of my head I needed to get to a hospital or clinic for some IV fluids or something. I'm at the end of week 6 now and feel like my body is just now returning to a comfortable state of shock! No where near 100% but at least a minimum capacity to function has been restored! Hallelujah!
Thus far, this experience has really taught me more patience, flexibility, calm, strength, and adaptability than I ever thought I was capable of. So Im happy. Really happy. Feels funny, but I think its a deeper sense of being human than Ive ever felt before. The subtle corrections and redirections that I've made have brought alot of things full circle, and have brought true closure. My only true regret is that I cant really share this experience with someone, deeply. Of course Im talking about love, but I figure my time for love is coming soon. I've met thousands upon thousands of people in my life, and no one has really ever touched me, so the odds are gradually shifting to my favor that I will soon find that one guy, that will protect my heart so I won't have to...
Aside from love though, I actually do have someone sharing in all of this with me. 400 someone's, in fact. A friend and I had a disarmingly deep (well, as deep as two people who dont know each other from Adam could muster) conversation over pizza. I learned some really interesting things about him, connected with him, and awkwardly had to restrain myself from reaching out to him, like physically touching him, comforting him, and spilling my own guts. I realized that I have wanted to reach out to many of the trainees like that but have been afraid to do so or receive such a gesture. I have alot of presence, and alot of compassion in me. The cup runneth over! However due to a number of different fears, its hard for me to open up. I automatically think that if I let somebody get close to me or if I get close to someone else, something terrible will happen. Emotionally constipated I guess. Yoga is a laxative... hmm...
So, 3 weeks left. Posture clinics and Dialogue recitation should come to an end within the next week, and Bikram will be lecturing on each individual posture soon. We are having a Halloween party Monday night, hopefully it won't turn out to be some sort of vapid freak show! 6 weeks of seeing each other half-naked in a hot room is bound to have some... effects. . . Im sure the buzz of Graduation will start to pick up, as will the realization that this "yoga bubble" won't last forever. As disconnected as Ive felt from everyone the past couple of weeks, I cant begin to explain the sadness I feel about having to say goodbye to some. I hope that in the coming weeks, I can at least express that sentiment to the ones that have impacted me the most.
Goodnight my pets! You'll hear from me again soon!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
This day in History - Bikram's critique...
Hello lovies!
Winding down Day 1 of Week 5. Took our big Anatomy exam this morning, which was a "piece of cheesecake", delivered dialogue for Triangle Pose in Posture Clinic (was one of the firsts this time to get it out of the way so I rested in the corner and flirted a bit with a boy - all in good fun!), and felt a little ballzy knowing Bikram was teaching our yoga class this evening so I practiced right in front of him hoping for a comment, wildly uncensored correction, or a chucked Coke bottle at my head - ya know, I was happy to get anything. . . And instead - when we got to Head to Knee with Stretching Pose, he said "Look at that! A perfect Head to Knee Stretching, haven't seen one in a long time! What am I going to do, you don't need me anymore!"... I didnt realize it was directed at me until I peeked out from under my left armpit and he made eye contact with me! I NEARLY soiled myself!
So Anatomy lectures are over. From here on out we will be on a varied schedule with assorted Posture Clinics (sometimes 2 in a day), Lectures, and late night Bollywood movies. Some have said that we are ahead of schedule for Dialogue Recitation so we may finish Posture Clinics by the end of Week 7. I'm sure that if that is the case, they can and will find other ways to torture us! LOL!
I'm still firming up muscles near as I can tell. Got a little water-weight off and on just by the sheer volumes of it we must drink to stay ahead of the dehydration curve. I don't mind though. At least I'm not sick or leaving the room (thankfully that whole mess has tapered off for most of the trainees at this point). My postures are getting stronger sans the Standing Bow Pulling Pose. I've totally lost my nerve in that one for some reason. But all the others are starting to look kinda pretty! Also, I'm noticing calluses appearing on absolutely bizarre parts of my body (ie tops of my feet, over my knee caps, across my hip prominences, on my fingers above my fingernails, and under my chin). These seem to be the active pressure points for alot of fixed and intense postures, so I'm not really surprised.
My calm, patience, and sense of servitude has somehow grown over the past several weeks, and it wasn't forced. It seemed to have happened naturally. Those of you that know me would probably consider me a very Type A Personality, with a very short fuse at times, and a wit and cunning with harsh words that can pierce like a double edged sword. I've gotten better about that in general over the years; I'm not nearly as careless with people's ego's as I once was. But here in the "Yoga Bubble" as some are calling it, I've really impressed myself with the amount of zen I've managed to find in the midst of high HIGH levels of physical and mental stress, coupled with a few snags in the flow back home. All I really know is that I could NOT have done any of this here at Teacher Training without my support group back home!
So a HUGE shout-out and thank you goes out to:
1) My studio owner and Bikram mentor, Lisa and Joan respectively
2) My mom and dad, and siblings
3) My (unfortunately) former roomate, Robert/Dean
4) My BEST friends Diana (and husband Stephen), Lauren and Nana, and Jew/Jefferson
5) ALL of my friends and boss at Trinity!
Good God if I forgot ANYBODY please give me a break! I love you just as much, my brain just isn't working all systems go at this point in the Training process! LOL!
Anyway, I will try to get a video up for next time. Please be safe and I can't wait to see you all when I get back HOME!!!
More laa..... Yeah you know the drill... ;-)
Winding down Day 1 of Week 5. Took our big Anatomy exam this morning, which was a "piece of cheesecake", delivered dialogue for Triangle Pose in Posture Clinic (was one of the firsts this time to get it out of the way so I rested in the corner and flirted a bit with a boy - all in good fun!), and felt a little ballzy knowing Bikram was teaching our yoga class this evening so I practiced right in front of him hoping for a comment, wildly uncensored correction, or a chucked Coke bottle at my head - ya know, I was happy to get anything. . . And instead - when we got to Head to Knee with Stretching Pose, he said "Look at that! A perfect Head to Knee Stretching, haven't seen one in a long time! What am I going to do, you don't need me anymore!"... I didnt realize it was directed at me until I peeked out from under my left armpit and he made eye contact with me! I NEARLY soiled myself!
So Anatomy lectures are over. From here on out we will be on a varied schedule with assorted Posture Clinics (sometimes 2 in a day), Lectures, and late night Bollywood movies. Some have said that we are ahead of schedule for Dialogue Recitation so we may finish Posture Clinics by the end of Week 7. I'm sure that if that is the case, they can and will find other ways to torture us! LOL!
I'm still firming up muscles near as I can tell. Got a little water-weight off and on just by the sheer volumes of it we must drink to stay ahead of the dehydration curve. I don't mind though. At least I'm not sick or leaving the room (thankfully that whole mess has tapered off for most of the trainees at this point). My postures are getting stronger sans the Standing Bow Pulling Pose. I've totally lost my nerve in that one for some reason. But all the others are starting to look kinda pretty! Also, I'm noticing calluses appearing on absolutely bizarre parts of my body (ie tops of my feet, over my knee caps, across my hip prominences, on my fingers above my fingernails, and under my chin). These seem to be the active pressure points for alot of fixed and intense postures, so I'm not really surprised.
My calm, patience, and sense of servitude has somehow grown over the past several weeks, and it wasn't forced. It seemed to have happened naturally. Those of you that know me would probably consider me a very Type A Personality, with a very short fuse at times, and a wit and cunning with harsh words that can pierce like a double edged sword. I've gotten better about that in general over the years; I'm not nearly as careless with people's ego's as I once was. But here in the "Yoga Bubble" as some are calling it, I've really impressed myself with the amount of zen I've managed to find in the midst of high HIGH levels of physical and mental stress, coupled with a few snags in the flow back home. All I really know is that I could NOT have done any of this here at Teacher Training without my support group back home!
So a HUGE shout-out and thank you goes out to:
1) My studio owner and Bikram mentor, Lisa and Joan respectively
2) My mom and dad, and siblings
3) My (unfortunately) former roomate, Robert/Dean
4) My BEST friends Diana (and husband Stephen), Lauren and Nana, and Jew/Jefferson
5) ALL of my friends and boss at Trinity!
Good God if I forgot ANYBODY please give me a break! I love you just as much, my brain just isn't working all systems go at this point in the Training process! LOL!
Anyway, I will try to get a video up for next time. Please be safe and I can't wait to see you all when I get back HOME!!!
More laa..... Yeah you know the drill... ;-)
Monday, October 10, 2011
Continuously keep studying, the more you study, you can study forever...
HEY FRIENDS!
I can never get sick of the feeling or saying to you that I survived another week! Partially because I can hardly believe that I lived... So, week 3 - DONE!
Last week was pretty intense. We started posture clinics in the afternoons, which are really more like dialogue recitation because we haven't received any substantial corrections on the postures themselves yet, we've just been reciting the dialogue for the postures to the senior teachers and our small groups. They say the posture corrections will come later when Bikram himself gives lectures on them. I managed to find a study technique that works pretty well for me, and have been staying current at least with the postures we do from day to day. I study the first letter of every word in the dialogue first, then just the first word of every line. By that point, I dont need the full written dialogue anymore, and with one word cues, I can recall and finish completely. My recitation is usually strong, they say, and my voice is very melodic (uh, yeah... musician?).
Sans one posture, where we had a terrible senior teacher leading our group who wasnt very nice and made me be the martyr for the group. We finished delivering Eagle Posture and went straight into Standing Head to Knee, which few were really prepared for. They started calling names and guess who they happened to call first?! - Yeah... Suckage. She rudely told me not to waste her time and go sit down. She told another student who was using her own body for recall of the dialogue to NOT do the posture while she was teaching it. The poor student said she was just trying anything to remember the words, and the teacher sharply replied "Oh, is that your opinion? Because I didnt ask for it. Sit Down!"... I hear through the grapevine that many, many students complained about that one to the head staff.
We also started anatomy lectures in the evening with Dr. Jim Preddy, an ER physician from Las Vegas - - - HELL YA! A guy on MY level! LOL! He is so clever, and so knowledgeable, and an incredible teacher. We covered the skeletal system, muscular system, and nervous system last week and tested over it today. Thankfully anatomy is a strong point of mine and with very little studying, I aced it! Though, to be fair, I think even the internationals, who knew very little English, managed to ace it. . . We will have Dr. P with us for the rest of this week, and out of all the staff and teachers I've met so far, I will be sorriest to see him go. What a guy! He's an osteopathic doctor (D.O.) and has been adjusting and cracking spines all week on his own spare time! He's also showed us some really useful stretches.
My yoga practice is getting pretty solid again, and the temps and humidity in the torture chamber have been great. I've decided that while I'm here, I have to work the most on Locus Pose and Standing Bow Pulling Pose. I may not have time to get the back strength for a really pretty Locus, but I am determined to work on the flexibility to get a really solid, full Bow Pose. Hopefully I can snag some good senior teachers while I'm here and get some help.
Towards the end of last week my emotions were a little raw and it just so happened that Friday night at Posture Clinic, we had a senior teacher named Terri, from Mass. . . She was SO kind, SO funny, SO inspiring, SO encouraging, she had everyone in the room in tears. We couldn't help it! After being ridden HARD all week by various staff and stresses, it was just a relief and a release to hear something positive!
In other news, I got to see Venice Beach this weekend and roam around in the sunshine with my cousin! It was beautiful! She says the next trip we do will be a Malibu beach, hiking, and coastal seafood! YUM!!!
So here we are in Week 4! Lots more dialogue to study, lots more anatomy to get through. The title of this post is a spoof off of a bit of dialogue, for those of you who didn't catch it. Sorry the communication has been less, we have been forced to be incredible efficient with what little free time we have each day.
It will pick up EVEN MORE next week when the Anatomy lectures are over and we have 2-a-day Posture Clinics and blaze a trail through the remainder of the dialogues. Also, Bikram will be back to give some lectures and likely make us watch more Bollywood movies until 4 in the morning.... Keep me in your prayers. . . LOL!
Stay tuned!
I can never get sick of the feeling or saying to you that I survived another week! Partially because I can hardly believe that I lived... So, week 3 - DONE!
Last week was pretty intense. We started posture clinics in the afternoons, which are really more like dialogue recitation because we haven't received any substantial corrections on the postures themselves yet, we've just been reciting the dialogue for the postures to the senior teachers and our small groups. They say the posture corrections will come later when Bikram himself gives lectures on them. I managed to find a study technique that works pretty well for me, and have been staying current at least with the postures we do from day to day. I study the first letter of every word in the dialogue first, then just the first word of every line. By that point, I dont need the full written dialogue anymore, and with one word cues, I can recall and finish completely. My recitation is usually strong, they say, and my voice is very melodic (uh, yeah... musician?).
Sans one posture, where we had a terrible senior teacher leading our group who wasnt very nice and made me be the martyr for the group. We finished delivering Eagle Posture and went straight into Standing Head to Knee, which few were really prepared for. They started calling names and guess who they happened to call first?! - Yeah... Suckage. She rudely told me not to waste her time and go sit down. She told another student who was using her own body for recall of the dialogue to NOT do the posture while she was teaching it. The poor student said she was just trying anything to remember the words, and the teacher sharply replied "Oh, is that your opinion? Because I didnt ask for it. Sit Down!"... I hear through the grapevine that many, many students complained about that one to the head staff.
We also started anatomy lectures in the evening with Dr. Jim Preddy, an ER physician from Las Vegas - - - HELL YA! A guy on MY level! LOL! He is so clever, and so knowledgeable, and an incredible teacher. We covered the skeletal system, muscular system, and nervous system last week and tested over it today. Thankfully anatomy is a strong point of mine and with very little studying, I aced it! Though, to be fair, I think even the internationals, who knew very little English, managed to ace it. . . We will have Dr. P with us for the rest of this week, and out of all the staff and teachers I've met so far, I will be sorriest to see him go. What a guy! He's an osteopathic doctor (D.O.) and has been adjusting and cracking spines all week on his own spare time! He's also showed us some really useful stretches.
My yoga practice is getting pretty solid again, and the temps and humidity in the torture chamber have been great. I've decided that while I'm here, I have to work the most on Locus Pose and Standing Bow Pulling Pose. I may not have time to get the back strength for a really pretty Locus, but I am determined to work on the flexibility to get a really solid, full Bow Pose. Hopefully I can snag some good senior teachers while I'm here and get some help.
Towards the end of last week my emotions were a little raw and it just so happened that Friday night at Posture Clinic, we had a senior teacher named Terri, from Mass. . . She was SO kind, SO funny, SO inspiring, SO encouraging, she had everyone in the room in tears. We couldn't help it! After being ridden HARD all week by various staff and stresses, it was just a relief and a release to hear something positive!
In other news, I got to see Venice Beach this weekend and roam around in the sunshine with my cousin! It was beautiful! She says the next trip we do will be a Malibu beach, hiking, and coastal seafood! YUM!!!
So here we are in Week 4! Lots more dialogue to study, lots more anatomy to get through. The title of this post is a spoof off of a bit of dialogue, for those of you who didn't catch it. Sorry the communication has been less, we have been forced to be incredible efficient with what little free time we have each day.
It will pick up EVEN MORE next week when the Anatomy lectures are over and we have 2-a-day Posture Clinics and blaze a trail through the remainder of the dialogues. Also, Bikram will be back to give some lectures and likely make us watch more Bollywood movies until 4 in the morning.... Keep me in your prayers. . . LOL!
Stay tuned!
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