Week 5 and 6 (ie Journey through Hell)

I didn't want to do another video blog. And Im ok with that, and you'll have to be. :-)
Sorry, I just need to writethisalloutinsteadofawkwardlybalancingmycellphoneonmyflipflop proppedonmypillowsoIcanrecordmyselftalkingtonobodyandhave2freehandstgesturemyfeelings - in an attempt to make talking to nobody less awkward. . . Yeeeaahhh.... Say that 5 times fast. That, and Im apparently going through puberty again, so lets not talk about my twin sister who is growing on my face.

So, its the end of Week 6. And Im still alive, but this time, I feel Im alive in new and different ways. Let's talk about it. As if you have a choice. HA!

Week 5 was the mother load of all emotional breakdowns, and I'm pretty sure having shards of glass individually and SLOWLY inserted into my eyes would've been more pleasant than that. All of the sweating and exercising and not eating and not sleeping somehow managed to peel away some of my compensatory protective layers and wave upon wave of buried suppressed emotion came exploding out of me like last night's bad Mexican food. Who knew I had any of that?! (insert sarcasm here). Its literally been more than 10 years since I have had wild unbridled emotional outbursts like that. I realized that I've been listening to every toxic person in my whole life that has told me that feeling anything is crazy, insane, unstable, unattractive, and irrational. But everything I experienced in week 5 felt like... growing pains... It was the most agonizingly natural thing Ive ever done to just purge it, let it out. I dealt with everything from childhood, familial traumas, past relationships, self-identity, my grandfather's death, social malfunctions, and many other.... touchy feely... things.... Im currently at this really awkward raw stage where even though I havent really made myself vulnerable to anyone or talked much to anyone (with the exception of tonight, we'll get to that later), I feel SO vulnerable for the first time, to myself. I'm seeing myself. . . No, facing myself, head on. The verdict is still out on the final product of that, so I will get back to you on it.

Week 6, this past week, I really hit my physical limit. Despite my efforts to keep up the caloric intake, water intake, electrolyte balance, sugar homeostasis, etc - my body had enough. One of the staff members literally had to sling me over her shoulder and help me up to my room. I spent about 24 hours in bed nursing myself back to health, thinking in the back of my head I needed to get to a hospital or clinic for some IV fluids or something. I'm at the end of week 6 now and feel like my body is just now returning to a comfortable state of shock! No where near 100% but at least a minimum capacity to function has been restored! Hallelujah!

Thus far, this experience has really taught me more patience, flexibility, calm, strength, and adaptability than I ever thought I was capable of. So Im happy. Really happy. Feels funny, but I think its a deeper sense of being human than Ive ever felt before. The subtle corrections and redirections that I've made have brought alot of things full circle, and have brought true closure. My only true regret is that I cant really share this experience with someone, deeply. Of course Im talking about love, but I figure my time for love is coming soon. I've met thousands upon thousands of people in my life, and no one has really ever touched me, so the odds are gradually shifting to my favor that I will soon find that one guy, that will protect my heart so I won't have to...

Aside from love though, I actually do have someone sharing in all of this with me. 400 someone's, in fact. A friend and I had a disarmingly deep (well, as deep as two people who dont know each other from Adam could muster) conversation over pizza. I learned some really interesting things about him, connected with him, and awkwardly had to restrain myself from reaching out to him, like physically touching him, comforting him, and spilling my own guts. I realized that I have wanted to reach out to many of the trainees like that but have been afraid to do so or receive such a gesture. I have alot of presence, and alot of compassion in me. The cup runneth over! However due to a number of different fears, its hard for me to open up. I automatically think that if I let somebody get close to me or if I get close to someone else, something terrible will happen. Emotionally constipated I guess. Yoga is a laxative... hmm...

So, 3 weeks left. Posture clinics and Dialogue recitation should come to an end within the next week, and Bikram will be lecturing on each individual posture soon. We are having a Halloween party Monday night, hopefully it won't turn out to be some sort of vapid freak show! 6 weeks of seeing each other half-naked in a hot room is bound to have some... effects. . . Im sure the buzz of Graduation will start to pick up, as will the realization that this "yoga bubble" won't last forever. As disconnected as Ive felt from everyone the past couple of weeks, I cant begin to explain the sadness I feel about having to say goodbye to some. I hope that in the coming weeks, I can at least express that sentiment to the ones that have impacted me the most.

Goodnight my pets! You'll hear from me again soon!